Dreams of the Red Wizards, 21 Jan 16

Trigger Warnings: Spoilers, furry rabbit PC, blue-balled dwarves acting like German rapeugees, dice that wanted a TPK more than the DM does.

Especially that last part. I don’t know who might be reading this blog, but I need to tell the coders over at Roll20: I can understand your exuberance in wanting a TPK, but there’s something to be said for timing. I’d like things to go in their own time. There is a place where I want this TPK to go.

Not in a random encounter where a bunch of dwarves who have recreated New Years at Colonge, where one of the dwarves rolled four Nat 20s in a row, against our newly transformed rabbit girl cleric. A Nat 20 against Spiritual Guardians, a Nat 20 against Sanctuary and two Nat 20s on attacks with Advantage.

That’s a probability of 1 in Forty Fucking Thousand. (Correct me on the math here.)

On a robotic bunny dressed Playboy style with a reactor that generates healing magic.

I had to wave it off with the one who built her sending her a healing ray a la Team Fortress 2. Crazy Dice requires Crazy Responses.

And the Craziness continues well into their charge into the randomly generated Thunder Hammer’s Headquarters. (I let Pancheska have her way with the bunny while I did some frantic use of donjon.bin.sh . Have I reminded you all how much I love that site?)

You’d think that would be it for the Nat 20s for this session, and you’re right: What came next is a string of Nat 1s that guaranteed a session that both players and Dungeon Master would need a lot of Mad Dog 20-20 to kill the memory. Especially in one random encounter that resulted in a lot of broken strings, lost weapons, and characters just hiding in the corner in total embarrassment. The encounter ended up finished because the bad guys just left out of total mercy. Ever had an encounter that ended up so fucked over by Mr. Murphy that the best thing for everyone concerned to do is to just walk away and forget it happened? We had that here.

I wouldn’t even have mentioned it here outside of their progress inside the Thunder Hammer’s Headquarters and not say another word, but I do have a business progress report to tell here.

Thanks to the Thunder Hammer group, the farm is a total loss. Only about a dozen or so Super Healing Potions (Heal up to Max HP plus 1 THP when consumed) were made, but Marcion, the alchemist, was rescued safely.

The other two locations fared slightly better but still had some difficulty. The Mangus Scroll had an infestation of Stirges that needed to be exterminated, and the Fountain now has a rival guildhouse—headed by the Thunder Hammer Group no less—just down the street who used some nefarious underhanded bad press for your guildhouse. (At least they didn’t attack that place directly.)

Even with the profits, it’s clear that the reprisal against the group’s anti-dwarven racism proved bad for business: It suffered a 500 gp loss for this week to recover all the damage done.

The current account balance is 8150 gp

Pancheska could’ve done better in mitigating the damage, but she had to do double duty this week. Not only did she had to conduct business and do some PR damage control, but you also asked her to take inventory of the treasure you acquired to date, and have them appraised.

Truth be told, she really needed that quality time with Alexis, the cleric rabbit girl, and she made a request that, after all this is done, she keeps Alexis as her personal maid and secretary as payment for the strife you dwarf-hating maniacs put her through. She’s even designing a very sexy and elaborate (don’t worry, non mindbending) maid dress for her to be in. Besides, she likes Alexis, and promises to take very good care of the rabbit.

The treasure is catalogued as thus, and will be inserted into its own note for next week:

(Note: The following is what is easily sellable. Pancheska has taken some of the treasure to decorate the businesses and for her own personal affects. What can I say, she has her needs.)

5790 cp, 7472 sp, 93 ep, 8994 gp, 130 pp

7 gems of 10 gp each
44 gems of 40 GP each
1 gem of 50 gp each
3 urns of 150 each

Mundane Items: (Sellable for half selling price)

Chain Shirt x2
Chainmail Armor x2
Greatswords x3
Half plate Armor x3
Javelins x5
Leather Armor
Leather Shirt
Longbows x4
Longswords x3
Morning stars x17
Scimitars x2
Studded Leather

Trinkets:

50 gp each:
Ebony Rod
Ivory Symbol

Magical Items: GP value listed doesn’t necessary mean selling price.

+1 Longsword, 650 gp
Bracers of Defense, 2500 GP
Driftglobe, 250 gp
Firgurine of Wonderous Power — Sabertooth Cat (Becomes a Sabertooth Cat when activated) 25,000 GP
Halberd of Vengance, cursed, 0 gp
Ioun Stone of Awareness, 750 gp
Wand of Fireballs, 600 gp
Warlock Battle Axe, can be used as an implement, worth 250 gp

Spell Scrolls:

1 Blade Ward
1 Goodberry
1 Hellish Rebuke
1 Message
1 Produce Flame
1 Spare the Dying

Potions:

1 Potion of Climbing
4 Potions of Healing
1 Potion of Greater Healing
12 Potions of Super Healing (Max HP + 1 THP)

Cyphers: (One time use magic items)

A jagged platinum shard engraved with geometric patterns. When held and activated, the cypher conjures a bolt of lightning (range 100 feet, 2d6 lightning damage, Dex save half).

A jagged platinum shard smeared with crimson blood. When held and activated, the cypher grants you advantage on your next attack roll

Clairvoyant’s Stone: A polished shard of translucent black crystal. When held and activated, the cypher allows you to project your sight until the end of the session. You can project your point of view up to five feet in any direction, and through small openings such as a keyhole.

A jagged shard of emerald smeared with crimson blood. When held and activated, the cypher conjures an inn.

Card of Balance: A bloodstained ivory card, marked with a symbol of justice. When used, you must change to a different alignment. The card may also be used against another creature with a successful attack.

A broken copper rod engraved with strange glyphs. When thrown at a target, the cypher causes a small earthquake (knocked prone, Dex save negates).

A jagged shard of red glass smeared with black ichor. When held and activated, the cypher allows you to teleport a small object you can see to your hand.

A hazelwood shard smeared with crimson blood. When held and activated, the cypher allows you to jump up to 120 feet.

A slender shard of amethyst smeared with iridescent ichor. When impaled into flesh, the cypher dissolves and increases your speed by 10 feet until you take a short rest.

Clone Cypher: A jagged shard of diamond, inlaid with broken patterns of silver. When implanted into flesh, the cypher dissolves and emits a cloud of luminous smoke, which after a minute coalesces into a clone of you. Roll 1d10: 1-6 exact duplicate; 7 opposite gender, 8 four-year lifespan, 9 opposite alignment, 10 deformed monstrosity. The clone has no clothing or equipment.

A jagged platinum shard engraved with endless spirals. When held and activated, the cypher grants your weapon an additional 2d6 points of damage against giants until you take a short rest.

A mangled silver plate engraved with geometric patterns. When worn and activated, the cypher allows you to ignore difficult terrain until you take a long rest.

Cypher of the Aegis: A fragment of a heavy steel shield, inscribed with twisting snakes. When held and activated, the cypher petrifies a nearby creature as per the spell flesh to stone.

Miscellaneous Items:

Drake tooth
Necromantic Spell Books from the Black Dragon assassin.
Iron Gauntlets treated with an heat-retardant treatment.

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