Trigger Warnings: Spoilers, stupid PCs, a DM that had enough of their shit, a paladin who is an embarrassment to Lathander and Dwarves.
Item: Dreams of the Red Wizards, 7 Jan
I am required by law to state that they have requested that I go hard on them.
I went hard on them.
I never wanted a TPK so bad since Murder in Baldur’s Gate.
The session started in standard Drow-Hating form when the party cleared the main floor of Firehammer Hold of druegar, some of which went “Fuck this Shit with their Hunger of Hadars and their Firebolts at long range” and just bolted outside. Not caring that they’re drugars and the noonday sun doesn’t like them that much. (I had them turn to stone. Perhaps they spooked some high level wizard) Then they investigated the floor below, found the forge area in areas 26-28 on your maps, and thought “Hey, maybe this will make for another location we can take over.” I swear, they wanted to take over all of the Sword Coast. I had to put my foot down on the Floshin Estate.
It was after this part where I decided to give them hell. It was at Area 18, where yet another Dwarven Statue, this time with a Mind Flayer helmet, got the same defacing treatment as before. I’ve summoned Water Elementals to keep people from pissing in fountains. I made a call to Davey Jones to summon the Kraken when someone pissed on a statue of Umberlee. In this room, I turned this mentioned statue into a Golem. I turned to page 170 on the Monster Manual, and thought that Stone Golem would be good enough, but then my subconscious said, “Fuck this Shit. Iron Golem.” An Iron Golem with a poison breath that it can spin around while exhaling, so that he gets everyone that’s trying to flank him. Heh, heh, heh. I managed to drop one of them to the negatives, although they still have plenty of potions to butt chug. Really, it’s an oral potion and they keep pouring it down the rectum. Maybe I should put in a scene where they lose part of their colon lining because of all this.
But that’s not the one that caused this campaign to take a turn: Remember the warforged tiefling warlock of Cthulhu who likes to tentacle rape everyone? He managed to look down into that dead end to investigate if it’s trapped. One Crit Fail check later, and this is what happened to him:
Thunder Blaster: DC 20 to find, DC 15 to disable; affects all targets within a 20 ft. cone, DC 17 save or take 10d10 thunder damage and become deafened for 1d4 rounds.
He took 81 points of thunder damage and had his ears destroyed. That guy was sent flying by the shockwave too, shattering his body and putting him into a coma.
I had a shit-eating grin behind the screen. Believe me on this.
The campaign had to get paused while the party had to go somewhere to repair their friend. I have to take them to the nearest city, Secomber, to do this. Oh, I’m not through screwing around with them.
Item: Princes of the Apocalypse, 8 Jan
Spacehamzter Boo is my kind of troll. The kind that does shit just because he likes the response. He must like people groaning over the Roll20 table and have me laughing over my keyboard. (That’s why I sometimes call the Dungeon Master, “The Lunatic behind the Screen.”) How else would he be proselytizing almost everyone on the table, including fellow PCs and even the monsters attacking him. This includes an Earth Elemental who found itself on the receiving end of some Nat 1s.
By now, I have to go on record and stay that I’ve received a ‘word of knowledge’ from Lathander: David, you have my permission to fuck with this man.
Jesus, I told You not to cosplay, and remember the last time You tried cussing? That’s my role.
The party did a little bit of wandering around in this campaign, they ducked out to deal with a reprisal, but then snuck back in the dungeon because Boo didn’t think he found everything in this dungeon. I thought they’d be willing to go back to it later when they get all of their Elemental Weapons.
Which brings you to one of the wild cards in campaign creation: You cannot control what the Players will do. In fact, there’s always the possibility of your players doing something that you, as a DM, will never even think of.
In some cases, it’s intended.
I’ll be looking for some ways to steer the party back on track; either that or let them find their way to their TPK; something tells me that I’ll be getting my first one sometime early this year. Until then, I’ll give you #2 in my list of things Aaron is no longer allowed to do in the Army: His rank is “Specialist,” not “Necromancer.”